Showing posts tagged with “adulthood”

Perfectly describes how I am feeling right now.

Perfectly describes how I am feeling right now.

Clueless 20-something

When I was in kindergarten, I thought being a Grade 1 student was awesome. They all looked smug and cool whenever I saw them lining up outside their classrooms in the elementary building, when we couldn’t even get out of the classroom without being accompanied by a teacher aide.

When I became a Grade 1 student, I realized just how far I was from being cool. Look at all those Grade 6 students. They all look so mature, they’re like big brothers and sisters who can take care of themselves. And so I waited patiently until I could reach my final year in elementary.

Apparently, reaching the sixth grade doesn’t make you the boss of the world. That’s what I concluded when I passed by the high school department. The guys and girls looked like they are well on their way of becoming sassy adults, compared to the awkwardness of being in the puberty years. Don’t worry, it won’t be long until you get there, I assured myself.

At last, high school. No more kid stuff. I’m all grown up, I thought, until I saw the fourth year students. They all looked so handsome and beautiful compared to me and my friends. They looked and walked like real adults. We were nothing compared to them. I guess I still had to wait, eh?

Fourth year, finally! We were the kings and queens of the school. Look at all those tiny first years. Was I *that* small four years ago? It was time to prove how I have matured, and that I was able to look after my own well-being… But then, college.

Apparently, I was still a tiny and awkward child in the eyes of the real-grown ups: the seniors. I just couldn’t believe that it was okay for students to have so much facial hair (lol). This was the time when I realized that my desire to be “above” others in terms of maturity and age, and my desire to reach that point of life where I know everything, will never come. In every stage of life there will always be somebody who knows better than me.

I have always thought that when I get to the 20’s, I would finally know what it feels like to be a “real” adult. At 23, I already have a job, earning my own money, paying for my own bills, and thankfully, my parents doesn’t go through my stuff anymore. I go out at night and return in the morning, and I don’t get scolded anymore. I don’t have to call them whenever I would go on trips and visit different places, and they don’t demand for a list of all the people I am with, complete with their home phone numbers and addresses (lol). I don’t have to ask permission to do every single thing that I want to do (yeah, my parents were strict back then). You could say that I’m really an adult now… But for some reason, I feel like I still know nothing. I am amazed every time I remember that I am supposed to be an adult. I don’t know what the future holds for me. There are no TRUE or FALSE exams in real life — because apparently, in the real world, what you think is true can actually be false, and what you dismiss as false can be the truth. The world is one big maze without an exit. There is no such thing as CTRL + Z in real life. One mistake and your whole life can go down the drain. On top of that, I still don’t know how to sharpen a pencil.

How come the 20-something’s looked calm, wise, and composed when I was younger?

I guess nobody knows anything at any age. Even those in the senior years cannot remember where they placed their eyeglasses.