How many kilobytes can your heart hold?

I often hear people say, “I just can’t forgive.” I’ve learned to ask two questions when I hear this statement. The first is, “What do you think it means to forgive?” People often feel they can’t forgive because they don’t understand forgiveness. Someone has told them that forgiveness means forgetting — and they know they just cannot forget. But the truth is, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to pretend you don’t remember the fact that something happened. No one could forgive if that was what forgiveness meant. Forgiveness means you let it go. You let go of your bitterness and your desire for revenge.

Neither does forgiveness mean trusting a person to the extent that he or she can hurt you again. There is a vast difference between forgiveness and trust. If I’m going to follow the example of Jesus, I must forgive immediately — whether the other person asks it of me or not. But trust is rebuilt over time. If someone steals money from you, you forgive them as soon as you find out; but a lot of trust will need to be rebuilt before he or she would be left alone with your money again.

The second question is, “Who are you trying to punish by choosing not to forgive?” If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself thinking you have to hang on to the hurt so you can punish someone for what they’ve done to you or to someone you love. Of course you’re really only punishing yourself. The one who has hurt you likely doesn’t even know — or care — what you think. It’s tearing you up inside, while the person who hurt you goes obliviously on his or her way. Through your bitterness, the past pain hurts you over and over again. This bitterness hurts all of your other relationships, including your relationship with God. Jesus said, “When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too” (Mark 11:25 NLT). If you think you can choose not to forgive someone else and not have it affect your relationship with God, you’re lying to yourself.