Perfectly describes how I am feeling right now.
Showing posts tagged with “life”
When I was in kindergarten, I thought being a Grade 1 student was awesome. They all looked smug and cool whenever I saw them lining up outside their classrooms in the elementary building, when we couldn’t even get out of the classroom without being accompanied by a teacher aide.
When I became a Grade 1 student, I realized just how far I was from being cool. Look at all those Grade 6 students. They all look so mature, they’re like big brothers and sisters who can take care of themselves. And so I waited patiently until I could reach my final year in elementary.
Apparently, reaching the sixth grade doesn’t make you the boss of the world. That’s what I concluded when I passed by the high school department. The guys and girls looked like they are well on their way of becoming sassy adults, compared to the awkwardness of being in the puberty years. Don’t worry, it won’t be long until you get there, I assured myself.
At last, high school. No more kid stuff. I’m all grown up, I thought, until I saw the fourth year students. They all looked so handsome and beautiful compared to me and my friends. They looked and walked like real adults. We were nothing compared to them. I guess I still had to wait, eh?
Fourth year, finally! We were the kings and queens of the school. Look at all those tiny first years. Was I *that* small four years ago? It was time to prove how I have matured, and that I was able to look after my own well-being… But then, college.
Apparently, I was still a tiny and awkward child in the eyes of the real-grown ups: the seniors. I just couldn’t believe that it was okay for students to have so much facial hair (lol). This was the time when I realized that my desire to be “above” others in terms of maturity and age, and my desire to reach that point of life where I know everything, will never come. In every stage of life there will always be somebody who knows better than me.
I have always thought that when I get to the 20’s, I would finally know what it feels like to be a “real” adult. At 23, I already have a job, earning my own money, paying for my own bills, and thankfully, my parents doesn’t go through my stuff anymore. I go out at night and return in the morning, and I don’t get scolded anymore. I don’t have to call them whenever I would go on trips and visit different places, and they don’t demand for a list of all the people I am with, complete with their home phone numbers and addresses (lol). I don’t have to ask permission to do every single thing that I want to do (yeah, my parents were strict back then). You could say that I’m really an adult now… But for some reason, I feel like I still know nothing. I am amazed every time I remember that I am supposed to be an adult. I don’t know what the future holds for me. There are no TRUE or FALSE exams in real life — because apparently, in the real world, what you think is true can actually be false, and what you dismiss as false can be the truth. The world is one big maze without an exit. There is no such thing as CTRL + Z in real life. One mistake and your whole life can go down the drain. On top of that, I still don’t know how to sharpen a pencil.
How come the 20-something’s looked calm, wise, and composed when I was younger?
I guess nobody knows anything at any age. Even those in the senior years cannot remember where they placed their eyeglasses.
Time to update this.
While everybody is talking about NBA, Dolphy, and Pacquiao (last week), here’s what I have been mulling over in the last week:
- I am spending less time online everyday and I’m fine with it. I know for a fact that the number one reason is my busy schedule, but unlike before, I’m not looking and craving for it like a drug addict. That’s right, I have to admit that I used to be addicted to the internet. Yes, there is such a thing as internet addiction, and if we’re not careful, we might see our lives get sucked up in the world wide web and then it starts taking the place of more important things like work, school, family, and friends.
- Having a friend who encourages you to cry when you need to is a big blessing. I allowed myself to be trapped in a cycle of bitterness, indifference, and denial, and I never admitted to anyone how I was still hurting.. Until I met this one friend. I’ve only known him for less than a year but he had been such a good friend to me. I can truly say that my heart is finally healed, and he is one of the reasons for that. He never complained whenever I pour out all of my emotions in stories that I repeat everyday. Instead, he made me realize that it’s okay to not be okay, and I just cried and cried and cried — until one day, I realized that I didn’t need to cry anymore. I was healed, and I am forever thankful for having a friend like him. Oh, by the way, he’s gay. Haha :P
- I recently became reconnected to another special person in my life — a guy whom I used to call my best friend and lover. We stopped talking over a year ago after I realized that I just couldn’t get over him. It was difficult, but the distance worked for me, and I was able to recover. I am now sure that I have nothing left for him but friendly affection, but I must say that it feels good to be able to talk and reconnect with someone who used to be very important to me. We’ve been sharing bits of stories about the things that happened to us when we weren’t talking. It’s overwhelming when I check my heart and know for sure that I have no bitter feelings left for him.
Random thoughts #10
1. I spent the whole night with my friends from work at Makati — again. This is becoming a habit. Hey, I needed friends last night, and they didn’t disappoint me. Thank you for all the laughs.
2. There’s a 24-hour grocery store near the place where I live. It’s really convenient for me because I work at night and I don’t want to wait until morning for most groceries to open. Anyway, today, I decided to do my [mid]weekly grocery shopping before going home. I have no idea how it happened but a cat managed to get inside without any staff noticing it. The cat looked exactly like my favorite cat who died in 2007. The cat followed me around and he kept on rubbing his body on my legs. I think the cat also knew that I needed someone to console me today, and I was very grateful for the unexpected comfort that he gave me.
3. 48 hours left and I’ll be on my way to the beach. Hang in there, Hannah!
I’m going back to work tonight :/
I had a really nice weekend, though. It’s not all magical and extra-special and stuff like that, but I was able to spend enough time with friends and relatives. I just realized that I only had 14 hours of sleep from Thursday until Sunday. No wonder I slept the whole day today. It’s all worth it, though!
By the way… When I saw my paycheck last Friday, I thought it was more than enough for the holidays.. And now I only have enough money for food and transportation until I get my next pay. Holiday season, where did my money go? ;__;
Oh wait — there’s still New Year’s eve. Gahhh.
Craaaazy night [for my stomach].
WARNING: TL;DR DIARY-LIKE POST
Advice I wish I received earlier
- You do not have to give everything to someone just to prove that you love that person.
- Sometimes, your best effort is still not enough. You can’t please everybody.
- Nursing a grudge towards someone is like holding hot coal on your hands with the intention of throwing it to that person — you are just hurting yourself.
- Forgiving yourself is equally important with forgiving the people who hurt you.
- Save for the rainy days!
- Procrastinating may be a quick way out to something that you don’t want to do, but you will never escape the responsibilities that you keep on postponing.
- You are not alone :)
- Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
- Admitting your mistakes doesn’t make you less of a human.
- Life won’t always be how you want it to be. Stop whining and wishing for the ‘good old days’ to come back, because they never will, and you’re missing the opportunity to create new ‘good days’!
The semester just started and I’m already feeling very exhausted from working and studying at the same time. The only thing that motivates me to continue doing this is knowing that this is not going to be forever. Maybe it’ll be like this for a year or two but I know that if I keep on working diligently (both at the office and at my college), I can have assurance that things won’t be like this forever. Kung walang tyaga, walang nilaga. :)
Because of this, I officially declare that I am too busy for love and relationships. Hahaha :P FOREVER ALONE BY CHOICE!
Because I’m too lazy to write in paragraphs.
- I got a henna tattoo yesterday — yay!
Because I am forever too scared to have a real tattoo.I might post a pic of the henna tattoo if I’m not too lazy to transfer it to this laptop from the other computer. Why am I so lazy today?
- I almost took home a stray kitten. The last time I had a pet cat was three years ago. I saw the tiny kitten in the street and I knew immediately that I wanted to take her home.. but I was running late for my first class. Damn :(
- My friend gave me this ‘countdown’ calendar. It has 365 pages (with one number for each page) so that you can just flip the page everyday and see how long you still need to wait for a certain date. I flipped it to page 269. That’s how long I have to wait until I see someone again <3
- Yay, it’s Wednesday! My first class starts at 3PM. I’ll get some more sleep later!
- It’s really heartwarming to have someone call me everyday especially during my difficult days :)
- Don’t you hate it when somebody downplays your achievement by comparing it to something better? It gets on my nerves. One of my close friends posted something about her achievement on Facebook. I was really happy for her. Suddenly, some person I don’t know responded by saying: “Oh, that’s nothing, I achieved this and that and blah blah blah! Now wait until you can do that!” What a jerk. Your achievements, although more significant, doesn’t invalidate the fact that my friend did something outstanding.
I am physically and emotionally tired. Two more weeks — I can’t wait for this semester to be over. And then I will pack up and spend a week at my grandparents’ house, away from all the worries of life. I will wake up at 6 AM and not feel tired. I will actually hear the chirping of the birds and the crowing of the rooster when I wake up. I will breathe fresh air, I will eat hot pandesal, and not worry about anything at all.